I am one essay, one assignment, and two finals away from a well-deserved break and a good, intellectually-stimulating quarter. I cannot wait.

School consumes me.

I'm not very proud of that fact, but realizing it doesn't ruin my day. Too many people think their lives will start once they finish their education, which leaves them dead until they're in their late twenties, and in some cases, mid-thirties. I don't really understand that logic. How do you discredit more than a decade of your life just because it's spent inside lecture halls instead of factories? Maybe that's my problem though. Maybe that's why I'm not in such a hurry to graduate when I should be. To be perfectly honest, though, I like academics. I can imagine myself taking more classes even after I'm settled, and maybe even after pharm school (if I make it that far).

Anyway, back to more immediate and mundane matters: I just survived the last chemistry midterm. Actually, "surviving" is hardly the word here. It's remedial chem, so it's not that difficult, but I still found myself struggling a bit. Whether it's a sign that I should go back to lit or a sign that I should put more effort into studying, I don't know. I'll do the latter and see what happens. I'm hoping to score at least a C (probably scored a D), but again, we'll see what happens.

I actually enjoy chemistry, at least the studying. I enjoy putting things together and finding that they make sense. And the answers are safe as long as they are right. And right, in this case, means numerically correct. No defense required except for a set of conversion factors set upon a page.

I might be back in SJ for Thanksgiving, but nothing's set in stone. In any case, I can't wait for two days of sleep. I still have a lot of work to catch up on, but having four days to devote to studies without the interruption of having to go to lecture sounds pretty awesome right about now. It's ironic how that is, but I find, for certain classes, that lecture and discussion are a waste of time. Of course, there are certain factors involved including the lecturer and the student, but I'll get into that another time. I need to remember to blog about hum 3 this quarter. Among other things.

I will allow myself a total bitchfest once my finals are over. And good god, I'm looking forward to that too--three weeks of bliss without lecture or work. Can I get an "Amen?"

It's been a long week, and it's going to be a long night, but I figured I should blog. Just because. Well in that case, I shouldn't really use "should" but my train of thought is heading towards nowhere at about 100 mph while another train is leaving from a station in the opposite direction at 150 mph and ready to collide.

I'm looking at a nonpass this quarter, and this is the first and hopefully the last time I will fail like this. I guess my plans to catch up never happened between the moving and unpacking and the babysitting and the tutoring. I don't feel like I'm doing much, but when you put it together, I guess I'm spreading myself too thin, and I'm at a point where I can't catch up.

Luckily, I'll be able to retake this class in the winter if I won't be able to make it, and I'll be able to catch up to graduate in four years, hopefully three, if I cram enough summer classes in.

If you had asked me three years ago if I would ever consider a major in the sciences, I would have assumed that you were either 1) crazy or 2) so far off from my social circle that you've no idea who I am. It wasn't that I hated the sciences. Like I've stated before, I'm pretty amazed at the precision of a quark and the advances we've made in this field. But it always seemed like we use science to explain how we live and art to explain why we live, and the latter is what I was always more interested in. Still, asking why isn't so practical in an economy that focuses on the what and the how much.

Right now, I'm not doing as well as I would like. I actually just got a B on one of my humanities essays, and while that's pretty good considering I read the two books the day before and wrote the essay the morning of, a B is never acceptable. But in my defense, I did move everything that belonged in a 1,000 square foot duplex into a 500 square foot apartment the week of whilst studying for both my chemistry and math midterms, so I can't say I decided to squander my time away. And unfortunately, ever since then, I've been running an impossible rat race trying to catch up on everything while babysitting and tutoring, and I don't know. It didn't seem like that much work at first, but I guess it's more than I can handle.

Anyway, I'm determined to salvage my grades for chemistry and humanities. I'm doing fairly OK in chemistry, considering it's a pass/nonpass class. So I'm pretty safe. It's not that likely that I'll get a no pass of I work hard and get through the midterm and final. I'm going to devote all of this weekend to catching up in humanities, though, so hopefully I'll be able to redeem myself and (gee, mayyyyybe) get an A on the next paper. I highly doubt it, but I've done it before in the last course, so one can hope.

I'm not as concerned with academics this quarter as I was last. I am a lot busier, it seems, but I think I've accepted that life sucks and is pretty meaningless. So I can probably take things in stride. Honestly, it'd be great if I make it to pharm school, but if that doesn't happen then it doesn't happen. It's not the end of the world.

But for now, I'm going to take what I have and do what I can. Let's hope next quarter will be better.

I know I've been updating about pretty uninteresting stuff, but nobody reads this anyway soooo...

Finally done catching up with chemistry homework.  Now I just need to review a couple of chapters and start notes for the current chapter, which I'm hoping to finish tonight.  Gotta get to that lab, too.  If I can get through at least two chapters by the time work starts, I'll make a note to reward myself with something.  Like sleep. 

Just finished one chapter of hw and notes.  About three more chapters of homework and three more chapters of notes + lecture stuff + one lab to go.  At this rate, I just miiiight catch up by the end of tomorrow! Yay!

I'm attempting to cram about four chapters of chem in one day (meaning four problem sets, each totaling about 45+ problems) and four chapters of notes.  It's not that bad, and the concepts actually aren't difficult.  It's just very time consuming.

So I really don't have time to update this thing, and I shouldn't be updating this thing, but I feel like I've been running on angst for a very long time, and that, at least to me, is always a good excuse to stop and reevaluate my existence.  

I have to pick classes for winter quarter in about a week or two, and this is my chance to either go back to literature or stick with science.  Lately, I've found that I'm beginning to learn how to handle chem, and I'm beginning to enjoy how everything works and fits together.  Science is actually very similar to literature in that you analyze a particulate in order to evaluate the whole; however, the approach to studying each discipline is very different, since chemistry requires more calculation whereas literature requires more argumentation.  The calculation I can learn.  If I devote hours and hours of my life to pen and paper and calculator, I will be able to catch up to everybody else.  But can I really do it?  Right now, it seems a risky venture.  But returning to literature is probably just as risky.

I'm not so sure anymore.  Now I'm not so sure that I'm talented enough to pursue literature either. 

I think I'm actually at a point where I'm not sure if I'm able to do anything.  But that kind of thinking gets me nowhere, so I'm going to go ahead and cram four chapters of chem so that I'll know what's going on in lecture tomorrow.  Then, I'm going to cram about six chapters of math because I haven't been to lecture in three weeks, and then I need to cram another six weeks worth of reading for my humanities class.  Because I am really that behind.

This is doubtlessly the quarter from hell.  Having to search for a new apartment in the span of two weeks and then moving in during midterm season isn't something on the recommended to-do list if you're trying to salvage your grade point average.  But what needs to be done must be done, and I've so much left to do.

Here's to life.

I start the every school year as hopeful and as eager as a crack addict looking at Willy Wonka's stash.  And then I die.  More accurately, I plummet.  I plummet from a detailed, meticulous slot of times and tasks; of studying for the chem midterm four days in advance; of finishing that homework assignment a full week before it's due to the depths of last minute, lackluster essays; to all nighters spent wondering why anybody would shorten perfectly good words into boxes on an oblong, assymetrical table; to the panic before the eye of the storm.  And I always wonder why that happens.  

This year, it's because I decided to move into an apartment in the middle of midterm week.  As if that wasn't stressful enough, we have to import our belongings from 452 miles away.  It took a full week to move stuff in, and nothing's settled yet.  Oy vey indeed.

And in times like these, when I'm trying to cram six to seven decent pages of argumentative writing into less than twenty-four hours; when I'm anticipating another lab as well as a full chapter of math homework to catch up on; when I know very well that I am at least two chapters behind in chemistry; I wonder what happened to the plans I made.  I wonder what happened to my plans to live better, to take more pictures, to eat better, to watch the sunrise, to take a moment to enjoy the crisp morning air or watch the sun hit the fresh, wet grass.  

When she left Vietnam, she left her language.  Here, she retired its use on the streets, and it became relegated to the home. 

And now, after more than two decades, she still looks down when people speak to her in English.  It takes her a full thirty seconds to respond to "Hi, what's your name?" as her hand hesitates mid-air before finally clutching awkwardly at the other person's extended hand, his extended invitation prove that she doesn't belong, his given opportunity to remind her that she left her language in another country.

It makes me so sad. 

You don't have to look down.  You don't have to avoid eye contact.  It's OK.  You are worth so much more than those shits who speak perfect American English.

I'm not sure what I hoped to accomplish with this major.  The practical route would lead me to pharm school (hopefully Skaggs), and then a job that pays a 75-100k salary. 

But I don't get it.  Idk, I'm at a point where I don't really want to pursue anything.  

Ugh. Goddamn this apathy.

My mother's life depresses me because I can't make it better.

Sometimes I wonder what she dreamed of when she stepped on the slab of dark, wet wood in the middle of the night as they left their land to set sail into the depths of the waters.  She landed in the Philippines and stayed at a refugee camp, where she learned as much English as she could before flying to a colder, more unfamiliar country.  And sometimes I wonder what she hoped for as she stepped down from the plane, feet touching the concrete land where she would stay for thirty years.  I wonder what she missed.  I wonder what she dreamed of.  I wonder what she wanted in a land where everything could be yours except for the home that you missed the most.  And I wonder if she hoped for the same things for me when I was born.  I wonder what they dreamed of when they held me for the first time.  I wonder what they wanted.  I wonder what they loved and how they could love a strange, weak thing.  

I'm sorry, Ma.  Sometimes I wish the last ten years never happened.  You were happy then, I think.

I've been reading an excerpt on Renaissance art written by Leon Battista Alberti.  He describes the relationship between mathematics and perspective, and it made wonder how and why art and math and the sciences have become disciplines relegated to such distinct and different realms. 

FUCK THIS SHIT.

Damn, I need to commit to something.

I walked into lecture a bit earlier today, and I discovered the words "short story" and "Poe" written on the board.  It turns out the class before mine was a lit class.
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We just finished taking apart the beds, and we're trying to figure out how to move them to the garage.  There's something else up with the EDD, and it's stressing me out more than it should.  Maybe I'm a bit too hypersensitive to these things.  Some mornings, I wake up and wonder what else will go wrong and why the things that went wrong did.  Some mornings, I see the possibility in the ruin.  On those mornings, I wouldn't mind if passing cars die in the middle of streets and bridges, and the lonely people stuck in those metal coffins come out to riot in the streets.  I wouldn't mind if the stock market plummets to new lows.  I wouldn't mind if buildings topple, marble stairs crumble to dust, and glass shatters to a million little pieces.  Maybe people will come out of their homes and riot on empty streets.  Maybe the lights will go out, and we'll soon learn what darkness really is.  Maybe we'll see the sun without all the artificial neon lights.  Maybe the skies will clear up.  Maybe grass will grow where concrete once covered.  And maybe we'll get to start things over again and do it right. 

Or maybe not. 

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Edit 9/17:
Today's Thursday, and I'm leaving on Saturday.  It feels surreal, and I'm a little nervous about starting labs and math classes, especially since I haven't taken any since high school.  But I guess it'll be OK.

Rain in early September is a rare event for this part of CA, but that didn't stop it from coming down.  I don't mind it though.  I like the sound.  It reminds me of safe nights in dark rooms with the night light in the corner and the steady pitter patter outside.  And it takes me farther away from now.

Maybe things are always better the way we remember them.  Maybe that's why nothing seems to live up to scabby knees and jungle gyms, playground ghost stories and dodge ball on the court. 

Anyway, the days seem to be getting shorter, an indication of another summer gone.  I've had time to do some talking with most of my friends this summer, and I find that whenever I talk with C., we usually commiserate over opportunities never taken and build goals for a future we hope to grasp for ourselves.  I've realized since the other night, that I don't want to look back on college, my education, and my life and ruminate over only the opportunities I neglected to take.  But more often than not, that comes to a passing thought or another litany, another woe-is-me, another I-wasn't-born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-my-mouth, another leave-me-alone-I-chose-to-be-a-failure.  Well I've given some thought to it, and I find that I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. 

Anyway.

I've decided to change my major to pharmacological chemistry.  I've revamped my entire schedule, and I'm only waiting for school to start to officially notify the counselors.

I've been a bit disjointed lately.  Or maybe I've always been. 

And so what if I am?

Sometimes I'm afraid of writing these things down because I might look at them later on, when everything's really shot to shit (seriously this time, I mean it!), and I'll realize that they won't cheer me up anymore.  But it's always worth a try.  Anyway, I'm going to borrow a page from K.'s book and list the random and trivial little snippets that make life tolerable.

watching horror movies with ma while she snipes at the protagonist's fashion sense (or lack thereof) and/or common sense (or lack thereof). getting on campus at 7:15 AM, when all of the town is still asleep, and i can walk and watch the frost melt from the grass.  cold mornings when i'm fully awake and walking out the garage to meet the sun on the ice and concrete.  signing on aim at 2:00 AM and seeing 18 of my classmates online trying to finish that essay due tomorrow.  the garlic smell that blows over from g. early in the morning.  the possibility in an early morning walk.  late night drives with ma.  bitching at other people with ma.  checking grades after a particularly challenging midterm to find a perfect or near-perfect score.  crossing an item off of a to-do list.  receiving an A after writing ten drafts of a term paper worth 25% of my course grade.  the promise a new notebook holds.  anticipating the new school year.  going to the library with ma only to listen to her bitch at how rude the other patrons are.  going anywhere with ma while she bitches at how rude/stupid/bitchy everybody else is.  ma's one-liners and comebacks.  seeing the possibility to change for the better this past november.  picking up a newspaper and knowing that i might see the same stories in history textbooks twenty years from now.  staying up until 5 AM to plan out classes and finding that chemistry and physics can fit together in a 12-unit block -- and seeing potential in the plan.  

It's a common comparison that I make again and again because sometimes, it's the only thing I know.  But it doesn't hold true for every waking moment.  Sometimes waking up doesn't exactly feel like dropping a very small pebble into a deep, dark well.  Sometimes I don't see a series of empty boxes on a calendar waiting to be crossed off when I think about my future.  I wish I can put pin it down with words or pigeonhole it with the name of a simple disease.  Maybe it really is a chemical imbalance.  Maybe there really is something wrong.  Maybe I need another pill on top of the cocktail of meds I'm already taking.  But I don't know.  The solution isn't found in a pill or a bottle or in a dark room locked away from the strangers on the streets and the buses and cars and billboards and skyscrapers and everything else outside my window.  Maybe there isn't a solution because there isn't a real problem.  Maybe.

Anyway, maybe there is no point.  So what? 

Well, exactly.  So what? 

I don't know why I'm drawn to letters when numbers seem so much more appropriate for evaluating the world and its worth.  Gas is $2.95 per gallon, milk is $2.99 per gallon, eggs are $3.29 per dozen.  The mortgage is $1,140 a month, the electricity bill is about $120 some months and around $60 others.  My education costs $24,000 per year.  The unemployment rate is at 9.7%, we're all looking at how many points Dow Jones has climbed or dropped.  Is there enough for the monthly rent?  Don't forget the milk.  We can't afford it, it's $3 a gallon.

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